Right now I'm sitting on the couch with my sick little girl as she naps.
6:30am: She wakes up, feels a little warm, but temp is barely 99. A little voice says, "This isn't good" but a louder voice says, "You've got to get to work."
9:30am: The little voice says, "Check on your baby." I call. No answer. I go back to teaching.
9:45am: Call comes through to my room. The sitter says her temp has suddenly spiked to 103 and she's thrown up several times. That little voice is screaming at me now. "Why did you leave her? You knew something wasn't right."
I leave work and go to pick her up. I feel sick myself knowing that I wasn't there for her. I know that she was well cared for, but I feel like it's a battle I fight all the time. Keep that little voice quiet. Ignore the feeling in my gut because I have other responsibilities to attend to.
That, my friends, is mommy guilt. And I don't want anyone to say that I shouldn't feel guilty. I want to listen to that voice and follow that gut feeling. Reality says work, because I actually do love my job, but that little voice says be with your babies. Maybe one day my little voice and reality will align.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
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